


The Popcorn Machine

by Code_2319



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Crack, Don't Take Seriously, F/F, Humor, New Girl s4e17 spoof, OOC, Poor Kaneki, literally wrote this in like an hour, some lines taken straight from the episode, turning tg into a sit-com is how I relieve stress apparently
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-06
Updated: 2017-03-06
Packaged: 2018-09-28 16:18:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10136030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Code_2319/pseuds/Code_2319
Summary: Yoriko is crushing on someone and Touka demands to find out who





	

**Author's Note:**

> I was stressed and I needed to write something easy lmao this is nothing but I thought it might make someone else smile so hakuna matata I posted it

“Mon Dieu, don’t you all look busy. There’s been a spike in business, non?” 

“Shittyama either shut the fuck up or start baking.” Touka snapped, barely sparing a second glance at the visitor who had just walked through the door, entirely too busy trying to measure out the right constancy of ingredients and managing the clueless, flailing group of flour covered ghouls to bother offering her guest an explanation. 

It was the first week in February, a time of year that was usually rather busy at :re, and Yoriko, head baker and pretty much the only capable pastry chef employed at the establishment, not to mention the only person capable of _actually tasting_ the food, had been inexplicably “too busy” to work her usual hours for the past month. It was starting to grate on Touka’s nerves. And Yoriko’s behavior had been so erratic lately, it was almost as if she were _avoiding_ :re, though Touka had no idea why that might be.

“We have to have twenty cakes baked by noon.” Kaneki responded to the Gourmet’s blatant confusion, not looking up from where he was measuring a cup of flour. Hinami was seated on the counter beside him, reading off Yoriko’s recipe. They were probably the only two ghouls in the establishment not entirely covered in various baking ingredients. Go them.

“I see….”

“Hi Flower Man!”

“Ah, hello, Hina-chan. Well, I just stopped by to relay some information from the 20th ward but I can see you’re all very busy so I’ll just – ”

“Oh hell no. Get your ass back over here this instant.” Touka snapped, not hesitating to grab Tsukiyama by the collar of his extravagant jacket and drag him back in the kitchen. “You can help Banjou – I think he may have mixed up the sugar and baking soda and make sure there are no egg shells in the batter. He’s hopeless.”

From the other side of the room, Banjou looked up, and then back down at the clumpy batter in his bowl, incredibly disappointed with himself. A soundtrack of sad violin music started playing in his head.

“Excuse me, Touka-chan but this is Italian, you’re getting flour all over my – ”

“Then don’t wear expensive shit to work, idiot.”

“But I don’t work here – ”

“Aprons are in the locker room. I know you and Banjou don’t really get along, so consider this a team building exercise. Now get to work.” 

Tsukiyama opened his mouth as if to continue his pointless argument when Kaneki, again without looking away from the counter (which was kind of weird? Did he really know him _that_ well?), cut him off.

“There’s no use arguing.”

The Gourmet sighed, “Yes Kaneki-kun….”

Hinami giggled, before reading her big brother the next set of directions.

Touka returned to her own station, kneading a pile of bread dough. Huffing in annoyance, she exclaimed, “Anyone else think Yoriko’s been acting weird lately? Also where in the hell did Nishiki and Kimi go?” 

* * *

 

“Yeah, you’re going to have to get down here. The kitchen is a disaster. Also, people are starting to get suspicious that you’re avoiding them on purpose, and by people I mean Touka. Why do you like her again? _Ow_! Kimi, what the hell?”

“Could you be any less considerate?” Nishio’s girlfriend scolded from where she was cuddled up beside him on the couch, forcing him to intervene in a situation he frankly wanted no part in. 

“It’s okay, Kimi.” Came Yoriko’s somewhat static laden reply from the other end of the phone. “But look, I just can’t come in right now I – ”

“You’re avoiding Touka, I know, I know. Why’d you have to confess your undying feelings to _me_ though? You should have talked to Kaneki. Even though he’s emotionally constipated he would be ten times better at this than me because I seriously couldn’t care less what – _Ow_! Would you knock it off?”

“What he _means to say_ ,” Kimi interrupted, shooting Nishiki a look, “Is that you can’t keep avoiding her forever. Whether or not she likes you back, you’re both a very important part of each other’s lives. And the longer you put off coming back in to work, the harder its going to be. Plus, now might be the perfect time to make a reappearance. Seriously, it’s chaos down there.”

From the other end of the line, there was a sigh. “I guess…. It’s just painful, you know.” 

Kimi had the decency to look sympathetic, while Nishio leaned his head back against the couch as if he were asking for salvation from a higher power.

“We understand, Yoriko. Just call her. I’m sure she’ll be happy to hear from you.” 

“Alright… I can try. Thanks for being so supportive you guys.”

“No problem!”

Nishio groaned.

* * *

 

“WHAT DID YOU DO?!”

“I DON’T KNOW! I WAS JUST FOLLOWING THE DIRECTIONS!”

“OH YEAH? _WELL WHERE DOES IT SAY TO MICROWAVE THE EGGS_? HOW DID YOU CATCH YOUR APRON ON FIRE? AND WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK _YOU’RE_ GOING TSUKIYAMA?!”

“Ah – um – to get some fresh air?" 

“LIKE HELL YOU ARE!” 

“Busted.” Kaneki commented. His second cake was in the oven and he and Hinami were working on frosting the first. It was beautiful and everyone hated them.

Touka pinched the bridge of her nose. “Jiro, Sante, Ichimi could you please help Banjou clean out the microwave. Tsukiyama, you’re in charge of starting over. There’s a copy of Yoriko’s recipe in the drawer to your left.

“Excellent….” Tsukiyama sighed.

Just then, Touka’s phone rang. Seeing Yoriko’s contact pop up on her screen, Touka froze. “Uh, Tsukiyama I’m going to put you in charge for a minute.” 

“… _Putain_ ….”

 Wiping her flour covered hand on her apron, Touka exited the kitchen to the front of :re, hitting the answer button on her phone. 

“Hello?”

“Touka!”

“Hey, where the hell have you been? And more importantly can you come in? We seriously need you.”

“I don’t know… it would just be kind of, um. I just, uh, I’ve been really busy with school and I’m not feeling super, uh, great right now and it might get kind of awk – I mean kind of, um….” 

“Kind of _what_?” Touka demanded. She was seriously starting to get irked by Yoriko’s continuous avoidance behaviors. Was something wrong? Was she mad at her? Clearly, her friend was hiding something. What it was, Touka didn’t know, but she’d be damned if she let her friendship with Yoriko fail because of some dumb secret. Especially since she had accepted Touka for being a ghoul.

“Kind of, uh, _awesome_. Yeah I’ll come in.”

“ _Thank_ _god_. Alright I’ll see you soon.”

“See you.”

Just as Touka hit the end call button, Nishiki burst in through the front door of :re.

“Oi, loser! Where the hell did you disappear to?”

“Do I smell smoke?” Nishiki started, completely ignoring her question. “Is the kitchen _on fire_?”

“You’d know if you’d been here. But I guess it doesn’t matter since Yoriko’s coming in now anyway." 

“ _She is?_ ” Nishiki asked in an uncharacteristic tone of disbelief. Touka narrowed her eyes in suspicion. “I mean, uh, sweet. Less work for me.”

Instead of responding right away, Touka froze, staring her friend down while crossing her arms and tapping her foot in thought. Nishiki put on his usual expression of bored indifference, raising a single eyebrow as if to question her questioning.

A staring match began.

“You know something.”

“No I don’t.”

Touka raised an eyebrow.

“Shit – I mean what the hell are you talking about? Crap, okay well this was fun, I’m going home now.”

“Shitty Nishiki get back here!”

“What do you want from me?” Nishio complained to the heavens, annoyed as Touka lunged forward and stopped him from exiting by grabbing the sleeve of his sweater.

“You know why Yoriko doesn’t want to come in, why she’s been so weird around me lately. Spill.” Touka demanded.

“If you want to know why don’t you ask her yourself?”

 “So there _is_ something. Come on Nishiki – just fucking tell me already.”

 “You think I _want_ to be in the middle of this? Geez you should just work this out with her on your own.”

“Work it out… is she mad at me?”

Nishiki gave her an annoyed look, finally managing to twist out of her iron grip.

“She’s mad at someone isn’t she?!”

“No! No, calm down you hormonal psychopath. She isn’t mad – it’s the opposite.”

Touka froze. “The opposite...?” 

“Uh….”

“It’s the _opposite_?”

“Uh, that’s not what I said – ”

“You said ‘she isn’t mad – _it’s the opposite_.’”

 “Well this was a good talk I’m just gonna – ” 

“What’s the opposite of mad? Is it….” Touka sucked in a sharp breath. “Does she _like_ someone? Someone from :re?”

“No! That’s not the opposite of mad the opposite is, uh, not mad? Fuck okay I tried you better hope Kimi doesn’t dump me over this though – ”

“ _She likes someone!?_ ”

Touka wasn’t sure how she felt about that. Unfortunately, before she could throttle more information out of Nishiki, or even process this new development in her friendship, the door to the kitchen tentatively cracked open.

It was Yomo, expression stoic as always. Also had he been in the kitchen the whole time?

“Touka. You’re needed.” He said ominously, before slowly closing the door.

Exchanging a worried glance with Nishiki, Touka rushed inside, startled to once again smell the scent of smoke heavy in the air. The microwave was half dislodged from the wall, hanging precariously by a chunk of plaster. Tsukiyama was in the corner crying over his ruined suit, now not only covered in flower but charred and smoking in some parts. Banjou was picking egg out of his hair, while Hinami pranced around in the middle of the room, looking like she wanted to help but not entirely sure where to start. 

“I was gone for _five_ _minutes_! What the hell happened?!” Touka roared.

Kaneki, bent over the counter, eyes focused on his cake, putting the final touches on an elaborate (and frankly kind of impressive) frosting rose, didn’t bother to respond.

Instead, Hinami, chirping a little too happily, replied, “Onii-chan set Tsukiyama-san on fire.” 

“ _Why?!_ ” 

“Reasons.”

Touka shook her head in exasperation. Yoriko _liked_ one of these fuckers? Geez. “Okay, you know what? I don’t care. But since spontaneous combustion seems to be a theme of the evening, Jiro could you please reinstall the fire alarm.”

 “On it.”

“God I can’t wait for Yoriko to get here.”

* * *

 “Alright listen up!” Touka stated. Everyone was lined up, Kaneki and Hinami’s two complete cakes now sitting in the front window of :re. Yoriko had finally arrived, and the ghouls had been given a short break to clean up while Touka reorganized and came up with a plan. “This is how this is going to work. Obviously, since things haven’t really been working well when we bake on our own, we’re going to have to change things up. Kaneki and Hinami were the only two able to actually finish baking their cakes. That’s 2 out of the 20 we need to have done in the next five hours. So, we’re going to do this in partners, assembly line style. Yoriko and I will be in charge of mixing the batter. Tsukiyama and Banjou, you’re on baking duty. Hinami and Kaneki, you guys are our decorators. And Nishiki and Yomo – you’ll be in charge of cleaning and workspace maintenance. Are we clear?” 

After receiving several affirmative answers, Touka walked over to the baking station, taking her place beside Yoriko. Admittedly, she had ulterior motives for breaking everyone up into pairs. She wanted, no, _needed_ to find out who Yoriko was crushing on. Why? She wasn’t entirely sure. But it was bothering her, bothering her that Yoriko hadn’t trusted her enough to tell her, bothering her that Yoriko was even able to keep such a secret from her when she’s usually so open. And there was this weird tightening in her chest at the thought of Yoriko making goo-goo eyes at one of her coworkers that left her… a little confused?

But mostly angry. 

Disguising her internal conflict with a smile, Touka said “Ready to start mixing?”

And Yoriko replied, “You betcha!”.

…

Meanwhile, Nishiki sulked around the kitchen, picking up trash. He was slightly concerned that Touka was going to try and pull information out of Yoriko and start some huge irrational dramatic problem that he would later have to solve, lest he want Kimi to make him sleep on the couch for the week, as she was prone to do when he “was too insensitive towards his friends”. Ugh. 

He really needed to do something, didn’t he?

He crept over to the decorating station. “Hey, Kaneki.” 

“Hmm?” 

“What do you think Touka and Yoriko are talking about?”

“Oh. I don’t know. Probably that popcorn machine Yoriko brings up every time we have a shift together. She’s convinced it would bring in customers to :re but I keep telling her that, after a while, the smell will get too strong. Not just for the humans, but especially the ghouls. Hinami-chan has an especially astute sense of smell, getting a popcorn machine would destroy her. I mean, maybe the humans would like it but it would drive away more ghoul customers than it would bring in, don’t you think?”

Nishiki narrowed his eyes but nodded nonetheless. This was the first time he was hearing about this ‘popcorn machine debate’ and frankly, he didn’t care all that much. 

Unfortunately, Kaneki continued on anyway. “It’s all she wants to talk about. Popcorn machine this. Popcorn machine that. Look, I don’t know what _void_ she’s trying to fill in her life – ”

 “Yeah me either haha….”

“But – um, yeah sorry I guess I’m just tired of hearing about it.” Kaneki chuckled to himself sheepishly, apparently realizing he’d dominated the conversation with his complaints. 

“No it’s fine. I need to go pick up more garbage though.”

“Right.”

…

“I’m sure lots of cafés have popcorn machines. I really think people would like it and they’re not that expensive – ”

“Yeah, hey so do you like someone who works at :re?” 

Yoriko froze, dropping the bag of sugar she’d just picked up, eyes wide. Slowly, it dawned on her that Nishio must have given it away, but was glad that it didn’t seem like Touka was aware that _she_ was the one Yoriko had been crushing on.

“Crap, Nishiki…. Alright what did he tell you?” 

“He told me you like someone but he won’t name names. Who is it? Is it that rich purple bastard over there? One of the Gas Masks? I mean _Yomo_ is _way_ to old for you – ”

“No! No, Touka please. Look, I want to tell you, I really do. You’re my best friend. I want to tell you so bad but I just _can’t_ right now, okay? I can’t.” 

“What kind of crap is that? You can’t tell me but you can tell _fucking Nishiki_? How the hell did that happen anyway? I’m lower down on the totem pole than Dr. Four Eyes McSmartass?” 

“No! No, it’s just I know you, and I just… I don’t want to get _hurt_ and I don’t want to hurt _you_. So please, Touka, just, let it go.”

“Okay.” Touka nodded solemnly. “Okay… NEW TEAMS!”

…

 “You have to tell me who she likes. There are no secrets between teammates, Nishiki. Spill it.” Touka said, from the baking station where she had paired herself up with a very disgruntled Nishio. “Come on, she’s my best friend. You’ve _got_ to tell me.” 

“Why do you even care?” Nishio snapped, making Touka pause. 

She hadn’t really thought about that, but she felt her face heat regardless.

“It doesn’t matter! Just tell me. Come on. She’s my best friend for fuck’s sake!”

“Ugh, okay, look, Touka.” Nishiki started, leveling her with a solemn stare. Touka leaned in, heart pounding, palms sweaty. With a small sigh, Nishiki glanced away before making eye contact with her again, expression deadly serious.  His adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed nervously. “It’s… me. Yoriko likes… me.”

There was a small pause, both ghouls refusing to break eye contact, the same grim expression mirrored on each other’s faces.

Until they simultaneously burst into laughter.

Touka leaned back, unable to contain her smile. “Ahaha – not even for a second.” 

“Yeah no.” Nishiki chuckled, shaking his head. “I thought that was convincing.”

“Not even a little.”

… 

“You know I’m kind of surprised you didn’t bring up the popcorn machine again.” Kaneki started conversationally as Yoriko finished another of the cakes.

“Yeah well… even Touka didn’t really want to hear about it so I figured the idea was pretty much a bust.”

“Well great, I’m glad that’s behind us. Now, how does this look?” Kaneki asked, putting the finishing touches on another flowery decoration. When Touka had switched teams, Hinami had been moved down to mixing duty while Yoriko had been bumped up to help him frost, since the three of them (and maybe Tsukiyama) were basically the only ones with any artistic capabilities. 

 “It’s nice!” Yoriko exclaimed, smiling kindly. “But it’s a little off here. I can show you a different technique that might help you frost with more precision if that’s cool.”

“Sure, sounds good.” Kaneki smiled back. He liked Yoriko – she was a good friend and he admired people like her. Not only that, but she’d been very accepting of the ghouls at :re, similar to Kimi. She had a good heart, and he was glad that Touka had such a positive influence in her life.

Yoriko took the pastry bag from Kaneki’s hands and started a demonstration on frosting, with him watching, both leaning over the counter to focus on the cake, their shoulders brushing.

Just then, Touka happened to look over at the decorating station, and her eyes grew wide in shock. Her expression of absolute astonishment grabbed Nishiki’s attention as well, and he looked over, slightly confused as to why Touka looked so horrified until she started speaking again.

“Oh god, Nishiki. The only person Yoriko would be afraid to talk to me about… is _Kaneki_.” 

Touka turned away from the scene, staring into space, deep in thought. “They always have shifts together, and Yoriko still thinks I have a thing for him so it would be like breaking a best friend oath – _ohmygod_.” 

“Yoriko thinks you like Kaneki? Oh, you know what? That actually kind of makes sense.” Nishiki mused. No wonder Yoriko didn’t want to talk to Touka about her feelings. Hah, she thought she was straight.

“Nishiki.” Touka started, voice low as she turned to him. “Does Yoriko like Kaneki?”

“ _Oh nooooo_. You guessed it.”

“Oh my god? My best human friend and best ghoul friend. I – I need to do something. What do I do? What do I want to do? What the hell is this?” 

“Touka, I don’t think there’s anything you _can_ do. Just let it go.” Nishiki advised apathetically.

“But I’ve got to do something. Or – or feel something about this. Yoriko and Kaneki. Kaneki and Yoriko…. Ugh, god.”

“Look, Touka it’s not that big of a deal. When did you get so dramatic?”

“Shut the hell up. Okay, I’ve got to go talk to Yoriko.”

As Touka started to walk away, Nishiki panicked. “What? No, no, no, no, uh you can’t talk to Yoriko about this.”

“Why not?”

“Because Kaneki and Yoriko? It’s never going to happen.” Nishiki started, trying and failing to think up a good excuse on his feet.

Touka paused. “Well… why not?”

“Because uh, I was talking to Kaneki and he said, um – ”

“What?”

“He said she’s ugly.”

“ _What_?!” Touka exclaimed, not bothering to think over the likelihood of Kaneki insulting anyone ever. 

“Yeah he – uh – said she looks like a shrimp in a wig.”

“NEW TEAMS!”

 

* * *

 

“You know who’s great.” Touka started as Kaneki started mixing the batter for a chocolate cake. “Yoriko.”

He looked up, a gentle smile on his face. “Yeah, one of our finest. Lovely woman.”

Touka nodded, gathering her thoughts. “And she has so much to offer.” 

At this, Kaneki paused.  “Is that what this is about? She sends you to sell me on it?”

“No, Kaneki she doesn’t – wait. You two have talked about this?” 

“Allll the time. But I thought we had come to an agreement.” 

Touka quickly glanced away in confusion before glancing back. “Which is…?”

“It’s not happening.”

Touka wasn’t really sure why she felt compelled to argue this. Maybe it was because she cared a lot for Yoriko and wanted to be a good friend? Maybe she felt obligated to defend her honor as a woman (Yoriko was very pretty – a million times prettier than Rize in her opinion. Like seriously, was Kaneki blind?). Either way, without thinking, Touka asked, “Well, why not?”

“Because I’m not interested. And I know it’s not cool to say but I really don’t like the way it would look.”

“The… the way you would look together?”

Kaneki continued, completely disregarding Touka’s confused reaction. “And you know what my biggest concern is? My biggest concern is the smell.”

Touka paused, caught off guard and looking both apprehensive and a bit creeped out. “The smell?” 

“Yeah the smell of it. And it’s not Yoriko’s fault I mean – they all smell! I’ve told her that.”

Touka’s jaw dropped, way passed stunned and in to full on horrified. “You told Yoriko… that you think all women – ”

“What? No, don’t make this a feminist thing. It’s not because she’s a girl or anything. It’s just – they smell! It’s common knowledge.”

That was the final straw that pushed Touka from ‘state of denial’ to ‘vengefully enraged’. “And here I thought you’d me most concerned about how it affected the people around you!”

“I mean, yeah that too. Especially Hinami. She has a really sharp nose I don’t want to see her in pain. And, of course, a few ghoul patrons might grab at it – ”

“But if your biggest concern is _the smell,_ I’m sure it’s highly manageable!”

“Yeah I guess, there’s special solvents and soaps – I haven’t looked in to it that much. I mean but you really have to get in there and scrub it out. It’s disgusting. The daily wear and tear, all the oils just cooking in there. I mean it gets really hot.” 

 “I know what temperature it gets.” Touka snapped, nostrils flaring.

“Honestly I’m surprised you’re on her side at all. I mean, you’re the one who’s going to have to remind her to clean it. And won’t the smell bother you too?” 

“You know what? I’m so done with this conversation. I can’t even look at you right now.”

“Come on Touka, don’t overreact.” 

“No, shut up you perv – ugh I just – shut up and let me think. Okay just – just don’t tell Yoriko we talked about this, okay? She means a lot to me and apparently she doesn’t trust me enough to talk to me about it so.”

“Of course she does. She really values your opinion, you know.” Kaneki said, his voice dropping to its normal, gentle tone. “I’m sure she was just worried about what you would think.”

That statement made Touka’s chest both fill up with warmth and tighten in discomfort. A bittersweet feeling. Nonetheless, she felt like it was her responsibility to help Yoriko in any way she could. And if Kaneki was what she wanted, Touka would help her get him. “Okay what if… what if you guys had a real talk? You know, just sat down and talked things through. Outside of work.”

Kaneki gave a small sigh, but turned to Touka with a small smile regardless. “Okay,” He conceded. “I’ll talk to Yoriko. I mean, you’re the manager after all, your word is law. But, just make sure she makes her case about facts and figures, and no more of this ‘ _aw come on Kaneki, but it tastes so yummy!_ ’”

“NEW TEAMS!”

 

* * *

 

About ten minutes later, a very confused Kaneki and Yoriko found themselves locked in one of the upstairs rooms at :re. They exchanged a confused glance, but were otherwise unharmed. 

Touka stood outside the door, and insisted that they talk.

After a few minutes, Kaneki couldn’t take it anymore, and he managed to yank the door open.

“Fine! I give!” He exclaimed, a bit frazzled. “If you really want to, Touka-chan, :re can rent a popcorn machine. Seriously though, don’t complain to me when it stinks up the whole café. I’m going back downstairs.”

Touka blinked in confusion. “The… the popcorn ma… oh my god!”

Just then, Yoriko stepped out of the room as well. She was trying to hide her laugh behind her hand, which Touka though was endlessly adorable. How could Kaneki think she was ugl – wait. Nishiki and Yoriko were totally fucking with her weren’t they? This whole thing had been an elaborate ruse. 

“Me? And him?” Yoriko laughed. “I mean Kaneki’s sweet and all but I really only see him as a friend.”

“I can’t believe you.” Touka said. “I’m done. Just so done. With both of you.” 

“What? Ahahaha.”

“Tell Nishiki to watch his back. Kaneki and I are going to prank you so hard – you don’t even know.”

“Prank? What pr – oh darn! You got me! Hahaha!” Yoriko exclaimed, initially confused but buying into the idea once she realized it was her way out.

“I can’t believe you. I seriously _cannot_ believe you. MOTHER _FUCK._ ”

They didn’t finish their order on time.


End file.
